Many moons ago, there was a great and powerful werewolf who stalked the Rhodesian countryside.
A noble man befriended him, for they both loved poetry and sport.
But along came the TROLL, the bastard! Such a fiend there's never been!
"LOL u two are gay with each other?" it said, on their facebook-accounts, commenting on a picture of them broing out eating weiners at a ball park.
the nobleman and the werewolf agreed to find his IP-address and kill him.
Using their Firefox web browsers, the two coo-ordinated a trace... the results were swift and effective, to say the least.
a dozen vampires, hired with the nobleman's Bitcoin, and two-dozen wolves, who were friends of the werewolf, converged on the TROLL's house.
"oh no! im sorry!" he typed furiously. But it was too late to beg for mercy. He should have thought about the potential consequences of his actions before he was rude on the Internet.
the vampires deployed a battering ram and executed a tactical breach of his kitchen. the troll's girlfriend was arrested on suspicion.
"I didn't do anything wrong!" she pleaded. (transylvanian accent) "We can't be sure of that, so you're under arrest!" said Staff Sergeant Ivan. He cuffed her.
the wolves were less tactical, but just as effective you might say. They pounced through all the windows. The troll's dog fought bravely, but was no match for them. Thankfully for it, the wolves were ordered not to kill, and so the dog was spared and recruited.
"You've got spirit, kid," said the Wolf Captain Growlson. "How'd you like to join us?"
"I don't want to abandon my master, but I am also a pragmatic dog who values his own life," said the dog. "I'll do what I must."
"Salary starts at 100K a year," smirked Growlson, "Welcome aboard, here's your taser."
Last, but certainly not least, was the troll himself... the slipery bastard had already deployed his escape balloon and was climbing the rope to safey. the chief vampire, codenamed COUNTDOWN, tried flying at him, but it was too late.
The troll had entered Neo-Chinese airspace, and there wasn't a dang thing Countdown could do to stop him from escaping... For now...
Countdown took out a megaphone and vowed to the troll that he WOULD bring him to justice even if it killed him. He, an Immortal Vampire (pronounced vamp-eer)!
the Troll took out his own megaphone and retorted...
This wasn't over... not by a long shot...
A highly sophisticated race of socialist/communist/fascist/centrist(depending on your definition!!! :) ) alien god-men descended from the stars to greet humanity.
"We will make you live forever!" they said, grinning wildly.
"YAAAAAAY!" Reddit cried, and Neil deGrasse Tyson was IMMEDIATELY elected Ambassador of Humanity. He left with the aliens to visit their home planet, H-377, (affectionately nicknamed "Big Chungus" by the always-online community!)
When Neil returned, he reported that the alien world was so large that Earth-- little babydick earth-- could no-longer be considered a planet! It was too small!!
"Earth is no-longer a planet," he announced scientifically. The world ROARED with applause!
"Truly... we are insignificant..." whispered Rachel Starstuff, the head mod of r/science. Everyone was huddled around Rachel's TV watching Neil's speech like it was the hoax Moon landing. Everyone was smiling so happily. FINALLY, proof that the Universe has no meaning!
"Like the great Neil before me, I, another great Neil am bringing humanity one more giant leap forward," said Neil.
"Humanity has been given a great gift!" cried Neil. "But how can we repay them!?"
The answer ended up being organ harvesting, to no-one's surprise except Redditors. Keeping people alive in Food-Porn-Vats, having organs removed, and then regrown to be harvested again using CDC-approved science juice.
Because Earth no-longer self-identified as a planet, the local flora and fauna (including humans) had no rights because the Alien Governments had really big guns. Oh, we're living forever all right... just... not the way we thought...
The cyberpunk future we were hoping for has been torn away from us. You wanted a robot girlfriend? I hope you'll settle for a robot kidney-remover. We desperately claw for the time when hacktivists could still save us from government rainwater-collection stormtroopers (2024).
Now... heh, rainwater seems like a luxury... unless, that is... you're living in Rhodesia... where crypto-trillionaires run the show with their vampire-militias and talking werewolves.
But they cant save us now. No... humanity has only one potential saviour left...
Neo-China. The last Free Nation on Earth.
Bigman Zhang-Bang, the sigma male Neo-Chinese arms dealer, had acquired the only nuclear weapon that's ever existed in all of human history.
He held the aliens at metaphorical gunpoint (nuke-point).
"You stop ensraving humanity!" Bang said, with his thick chinese accent. He brandished the nuke-trigger which would OBLITERATE the alien ship like an Olympic weightlifter flinging a wine bottle by its neck against a brick wall.
"We don't want to fight you, Zhang-Bang," said the Aliens, whose race was called the Kaal.
"You no have choice!" said Bang, and he dropped his nuke-trigger and took a piece of bamboo and started beating the shit out of them. Then he picked up the trigger and prepared to send their ship back to H-377.
"NOOOOOOOo!!!" screamed Rachel Starstuff, nicking Bigman Zhang-Bang in the balls from behind. He fell like the hero that he was, causing an earthquake.
"Thank you Rachel Starstuff, you saved us! And you saved the entire future!" smirked the Aliens.
This is where our story ends... Earth has fallen into a perpetual state of skirmishes with the Aliens, who built a space-elevator into space, and disarmed the Chinese nuke.
Every day is a fight for our lives. But not all is hopeless.
"Yes is is lmao, you're so gay," said the TROLL.
When Bigman Zhang-Bang fell, his body was taken to the Kaal organ-harvesters. The Kaal organ-harvester engineers were all female because organ-harvesting is a rough and dirty job, which men just aren't equipped to handle.
One of the organ-harvesters was a young Kaal named Talli. She took pity on Zhang-Bang because Sigma Males are irresistible to women.
"Zhang-Bang," she whispered. "Zhang-Bang, are you awake?"
He was. He had completed his mandatory 3rd masturbation session inside his Vat, but he'd been kept awake by his anger at being attacked by Rachel Starstuff--who had been elected the 2nd-ever female president of Neo-America. He couldn't sleep until he'd gotten his revenge.
"I awake," he growled. "What you want? Another spleen?"
"No Zhang-Bang, I want to help you," she said. "But the organ-harvesters can't be--"
"I aready know, stupid woman," said Zhang-Bang. "The Vats no open untir quota met. What you think I working on now?"
With that, Zhang-Bang erupted from the Vat-- or at least, his upper-body did.
Using his incredible Neo-Chinese know-how, Zhang-Bang had tricked the organ-removal robots into taking his legs instead of his liver-- filling his quota a full MONTH in advance!
"Now I go get my revenge!" Bang announced proudly, and he started pulling himself away.
"No Zhang-Bang, you'll never get past the werewolf guards!" said Talli. "You'll need these robot legs!"
Talli equipped Zhang-Bang with robot legs. "Perfect," she said happily. "Zhang-Bang, you'll come back for me, won't you?"
But Bang had already left, and with no intention of ever returning. Because he was traveling into the filthy stinking maw of Neo-America for the sake of justice.
Rachel Starstuff went on r/advice for advice when she found out the most dangerous man in the world was coming for her.
"Just get your Secret Service to kill him," suggested one user.
"I can't, they've already been wiped out by bitcoin vampires," said Rachel Starstuff.
"Then you have no choice but to hire me," said the Troll. "I'll take out Zhang-Bang before you can count to 50 you dumb bitch."
"Do it then!" hissed Starstuff and she typed it too.
"There's just a matter of my payment. I need you to get my girlfriend released from this is so fucking stupid Ineeed you to get my girlfriend released from Troll Prison in Rhodesia!!!"
"So be it," said Rachel Starstuff. "But if Zhang-Bang isn't dead in 24 hours, then you AND your girlfriend are going to prison!"
"No problem," lied the Troll, because he intended to just leave the country. "The next time I post, Zhang-Bang will be nothing but a memory!"
Thankfully, Bigman Zhang Bang was saved from the troll, and by none-other than HIMSELF?!
"Bastard!" spat the troll, who'd been trying to sneak up on Bang, only to be thwarted by Bang turning around at the last second. "How are you able to hear my Silentstep Quiet Shoes? I built them myself from science foam."
Zhang Bang glared at him. "ANd you woud have gotten away with it, too. But my sense of smerr has been trained to superhuman revers, and i smerred the science foam."
The troll recoiled in fear. He knew what this meant.
"T-the only people with sense of smell that good are--"
Bang smirked. "Exacry... the samurai."
a horse neighed and the troll turned around in utter horror. it was two samurai on horses, looking exceptionally stern.
they dismounted and i cant keep typing these freaking paragraph-breaks, 1 sec...
testing... good, ok
the samurai walked over to the troll, who was now on his knees, weeping like a hysterical woman. how pathetic, heh.
"Troll," said the first samurai who had severus snape's haircut, but he was japanese. "you plague this world for too long."
"YOU'RE GAY!!!!!" the troll screamed desperately, trying to fling a throwing knife at the samurai master.
"No," said the samurai master. "YOU'RE gay." he deflected the throwing knife(also called a "kohai")at the knife i mean he deflected the throwing knife, and it flew back at the troll and landed in his shoulder. The samurai turned around and sheathed his katana.
when he sheathed his katana, the knife exploded! tearing the troll's arm off!
even Zhang Bang was startled! "Ninjutsu!" he said. "You... you are a ninja?"
"No," said the samurai master. "YOU'RE a ninja."
it was true. Zhang Bang had, during a business venture, traveled to Ninja Island in Japan in the Ohio Providence, and learned there how to kill with stealth. But Zhang Bang preferred to do things loudly, and so he had abandoned the teachings of the ninja, and his old master Yukimoto-Sensei.
"How you know that?" asked Zhang.
"because," explain samruai, "i used my Way of the Samurai: Enduring Adaptation Technique to temporarily copy any nearby-ninja techniques. I knew the Exploding Shuriken Style: Kunai Variance Technique could have only come from you, because trolls are forbidden from learning the Ways of the Ninja."
zhang bang asked the burning question: "who are you?"
meanwhile, while i am stalling to come up with a name, the other samurai strolled over.
he bowed respectfully to zhang bang. "i am also a ninja" he said. "but my master thinks ninjas are cringe."
Master Makina, which is the name ive decided on cringed and glared at his student.
"ninjas are most dishonroroabr" he said. he turned to zhang bang. "this is my protege, Kevin."
"please call me Kevinmaru," smirked Kevinmaru.
"AND I" boomed their servant, who was tending their horses, "AM CALLED BRASSIERE, BECAUSE A GREAT FIRE IS CONTAINED WITHIN ME."
"ok brassiere cool, nice to meet you," said Zhang Bang. "Risten now, i need to kirr Racher Starstuff, the President of Earth."
"Indeed," said Master Makina. "we are also ona the way to Neo-America to end her tyranny."
"!!!" exclaimed Zhang Bang, "you rearry think you can defeat her?"
"She fears the samurai," smirked Kevinmaru, and it was true.
in the basement of the Equity House, rachel starstuff was doing all kinds of unspeakably evil and gross satanic shit because "there's nothing logically wrong with it"
she looked up and howled angrily. she knew that the Chinese Businessman Demigod Zhang Bang had met the last samurai, Master Makina. she got dressed and stomped up the stairs. she was wearing some stupid fucking punk boots or something.
"we need to nuke both China and Japan," she said to the Kaal Ambassadoro.
"No," said the Kaal, who was none-other than Talli the Kaal who loved Zhang Bang. "We cant because uh, the world needs China's plastic products and Japan's neo-conductors."
"Drats youre right!" hissed Starstuff, pawing at her iPhone Euphoria, a living smartphone-skinsuit that kept track of all her appointments and notifications.
Talli was right. Japan's eggheads had developed some bleeding-edge tech that allowed the Kaal's alien bullshit gibberish magic to be successfully transfered into wearable gadgets and bit-bops for the neo-upper class.
"your troll failed to kill Zhang Bang. he is too powerful. allow me to go myself," said Talli.
"What can YOU do?" hissed the president of Earth.
Talli punched the wall like a nerd who got mad at a multiplayer game because young men no-longer have physical outlets to match our mental ones, so when we get shit on in some stupid game, we have all this pent-up anger that would be spent in a traditional sport.
oh, and the wall exploded.
"Cough, cough!" said Rachel Starstuff, "good job! Ok, i know you can defeat Zhang Bang if you punch him like that! he might be tough, but NO-oNE can survive exploding!" Rachel Starstuff started dancing with glee. She was one of the best dancers in the world!
"Leave Bang to me," smirked Talli.
not so fast, Zhang bang, said Samurai Master Kenshimatsu AKA MASTER MAKINA
"master K" said Zhang Bang, "why are you telling me to not go so fast? now of all times"
"You just think either you're clever or that we're stupid, Bang," said Matter K.
"Then explain why you were able to smell the science foam from the troll's shoes. Well? Do you have an answer?"
"I do not want secrets between us in our business relationship to assassinate Rachel Starstuff," said Zhang Bang. "So I will tell you that not only was I trained in Ninja Ways, but when I was there in Japan I figured I might as well also learn the Way of the Samurai. I learned my go-getter self-starter multitasker attitude and spirit from my ancestors."
"I am a direct descendant of Liu Bei."
"Yes. So is your curiosity sated? or do you need my blood as a well? The blood of the Shu Dynasty!"
Zhang Bang took out a golden blade and cut his wrist right then and there. Master K was deeply touched by this gesture and knew that he could trust Zhang Bang.
after they prevented Bang from bleeding out, they noticed that where his blood had spilled, a peach tree began to grow.
"let's make an oath here," said Kevinmaru. "to end Rachel Starstuff's reign together or die trying."
they all agreed and then got drunk on sake.
it's absolutely exhausting writing this on a phone, bu imagine how our heroes felt. they had taken up the most difficult and dangerous job in the world. but it was a job that needed to be jobbed.
meanwhile, Talli was leading a group of U.S. Marines to Neo-China to kill Zhang Bang! oh no!
"OWO-RAH!" they roared, leaping from a plane to uh..
im back on my computer now. they leapt from the plane into Neo-China, which of course encompassed all of Neo-Japan as well.
"Commander," said Private Kannin Fahdaer, "How are we going to kill Zhang Bang?"
"We're not," replied Talli, and she turned around in mid-air, and unleashed bullet-hell on the Marines with her M2 Browning .50 caliber machine gun, which she was carrying like Master Chief from Halo.
most of the Marines were turned into Neo-Swiss Cheese. But there was hardly enough left of them for even a single 1/2 hour mukbang by a cute skinny Neo-Best-Korean girl.
however, the greatest of the Marines, the strongest and SMARTEST Marine who ever lived, Staff Sergeant Kasongo Munganga, was a huge fan of Touhou, and was able to dodge the bullets gracefully. He dived at Talli, preparing to break her neck like a twig.
But even though Talli wasn't prepared for her plan to have left any survivors, she was a quick thinker. It's how she became ambassadoro, after all. She reloaded her M2 Browning .50 caliber machine gun and instead of wasting any more ammo trying to hit Kasongo, she instead fired in another direction, propelling her out of his reach.
"TRAITORRRRRRRR!!!" roared Munganga, shaking his big fist at her. Talli did that thing that they ddo in animes where they pull on the skin under their eye with their finger and stick their tongue out. she did that to mock Munganga, and it worked.
Munganga vowed right then and there that he would either kill Talli and avenge the 200 Marines she'd retired, or he'd die trying. I wonder what it'll be.
What no-one knew, was that at that very moment, Kasongo Munganga and Talli were directly above the Shu Peach Tree, binding their fates together. A vow above or below a peach tree must be fulfilled.
Talli landed like Master Chief at the beginning of Halo 3 (when he returned to Finish the Fight, remember??) and well... let's just say, Zhang Bang wasnt too happy to see her.
"Oh, it's you," said Zhang Bang.
"Bang, I'm here to warn you. President Starstuff wants you dead!" said Talli, pulling herself out of the crater she'd just made.
"I don't care, I'm going to kill her fir I mean... I no care, I kirreh her first!"
"Good save, Bang," exclaimed Kevinmaru who knew the importance of maintaining an act. Because of his incredible mastery of Ninjutsu, no-one knew that Kevinmaru was not actually Japanese, but IRISH.
"Save it, Zang Bang, you can't hide yourself from me. I see through all Linguistic Ninjutsu," said Talli, dusting herself off. "After all, I am... a SAMURAI."
this story is so stupid and my neck hurts. ill write more later
"is there any purpose for the Church? all they do is molest kids am I right?" Senator Ethan Klein asked Neo-Congress, smirking at the camera with his fat greasy rat face.
Klein was proposing a 10 trillion Vaxbux tax on the Neo-Catholic Church to pay for his Anal Equity Bill which would ensure that all kids get safe access to learning about safe sex-- an important esoteric ritual which parents just couldn't be trusted to teach their own kids. it was up to Ethan. Top (top, get it?) scientists all agreed the bill was necessary to stop more stupid crotch goblins from being born and also that God didn't exist. though there was some controversy over Etan's use of phobic and shaming language towards certain already marginalized communities in getting his point across. It was unfair of child molesters--who had a history of being historically marginalized, historically speaking-- to be lumped in with filthy Catholics. but everyone could at least agree on that point: the Church had to go.
to help support the bill and show that he meant business, Klein had devoured his own firstborn child on stage, while mockingly showing the audience how to put a condom on a dragon dildo to REALLY stick it to those retarded backwards prudes.
sadly however, the Vatican Assassins--though they were brothers in whiny secular bugspirit of Klein--could not allow their Gringotts wizard bank vaults to be robbed. and so using AI machine learning, they had actually trapped Klein inside a simulation. Ethan didn't know it yet, nor perhaps would he ever, but in order to escape, he had to live out the plot of Assassin's Creed 2. Klein's only hope was to become what he hated the most: a physically fit Catholic Italian who could perform parkour, instead of a creepy obese freak whose own wife visibly cannot stand him.
after Hila was rescued from Ethan, she revealed to the Assassins the whereabouts of the Klein's OWN secret treasury. Hila changed her name to Hilda and married Brother Daniel Keem, her former lover before the chipmunk-looking goblin had abducted her from her homeland of Neo-Palestine during her innocent visit to the White Genocide Museum.
Hustle was the Virtue which united all businessmen, so it was a surprise to no-one when Daniel passed the information to Bigman Zhang Bang, who'd long-ago loaned him an Elgato capture card to record himself harassing girls in video games prior to Daniel becoming the Chief Assassin of the Neo-Catholic(Luciferian) Church.
"This squares us, Bang," Keem said.
"Neo-American-Israeli dog, you cannot square what is round so easily," Bang said sadly. He closed his eyes as Kevinmaru ended his Concealment Jutsu, allowing Daniel the briefest of moments to know he'd been betrayed. well... betrayed might not be the right word. trying to settle his debt to Zhang Bang with the measly little fortune of a Podcast Senator? That capture card's circuit board was worth almost half a BLM now. Far more than Daniel's life.
"TO AAAAAARMS!!" roared Keem, spinning around and flicking out his wristblade. but it was too late. his men were already on the ground, dead as a can of spam. Kevinmaru delighted in killing, you see, and didnt even wait for Bang's signal to snuff them out like thin-wicked candles in a typhoon of bloodlust.
"Kevinmaru, control yourself," said Special K, AKA Master K, AKA Master Makina, who was wearing his Special Forces uniform with a motorcycle helmet. "This is why i think ninjas are cringe, you get lost in the sauce."
Kevinmaru may have been Irish, but he'd learned how to feel shame from his time studying in Japan. Even prior to joining the Baka Gaijin School of Special Ninja Arts, Kevinmaru had blushed for the first time in his life after being viciously and mercilessly giggled at by a group of Japanese girls, because he tried asking them where the Baka Gaijin School of Special Ninja Arts was, and perhaps his accent was what did it. Whatever the reason was, they covered their mouths, and were able to muffle a lot of it, but Kevinmaru knew that they were giggling at him. But he still had his pride, and wouldnt give up. He started shouting at them. "PREEZEU! I NEEDU TO FINDUR TER NINJA SCHOORU!!"
obviously admiring his strength and courage, one of the girls had revealed to him a clue that would ultimately help him find his Ninja master. Yukimoto-Sensei. "Go to Shibuya," she had giggled. Kevinmaru jogged the whole way there.
But enough about Kevinmaru for now. For now, he has been shamed once again by Special K, after slaughtering Keem's men like pigs without waiting for the signal from Zhang Bang!
"You're a hothead, Kevinmaru," said Brassiere. "I'd know a thing or two about fires, after all."
"Don't talk to me, horse-man," said Kevinmaru, who was referring to Bra's profession, not suggesting that Bra was part-horse. Although he was.
Does he know my secret? asked Brassiere to himself internally. The secret... of my bloodline?
Meanwhile, Keem was dueling Zhang Bang. Bang ducked under a wristblade-punch, and spun out his leg, cleaning Keem's clock with some sweet chin music. Keemstar i mean Brother Daniel Keem fell, dead. The Vatican Assassins were finally destroyed.
"No," said Hilda Keem. "There is... another..." she held out her baby.
"Cute baby," said Brassiere.
"Thank you. My child is next in line to be the Pope," she said.
Special K turned to Zhang Bang. "What will you do, Zhang Bang?"
Zhang Bang looked at the fallen gnome at his feet and felt a sense of responsibility. "I will raise him as my own, and reform Neo-Catholicism in my own image. The Mandate of Heaven belongs to Neo-China, and therefore to me. I will teach this young man to rule--
"Actually it's a girl," said Hilda.
Zhang Bang laughed so hard he started crying.
Historians would one day call, with overwhelming expert/correct consensus, October 21st 2025 the Most Horrifying Day in American History since Donald Trump brought the Old U.S. Government to its sissy femboy knees by organizing a mildly-rowdy protest on Capitol Hill. Heh, that nightmarish and brutal national tragedy would one day been seen as child's play compared to what Zhang Bang did that chilly October evening.
Zhang Bang was taking a sip of pipin hot coffee when one of man's greatest fears came true. The handle of Bang's mug broke off, pouring the hot coffee all over his crotch.
Bang did not cry out. No. He'd prepared himself for this moment since he was a child.
it was still hot though. so he had to supress a grunt. Everyone in the cafe was staring at him. my shoulder hurts so freaking muc
everyone in the cafe was staring at him. Bang stared right back, at each individual one after the other. the men averted their eyes as their shrimpy little girl-dicks shriveled in fear. several women fainted. the two who didn't were, of course, not real women at all. they were feds. they'd exchanged their femininity for fat government paycheques which would ensure that their mid-20s to late-30s were as comfortable and meaningless as any soulless materialist could ever dream. Back in the Dark Ages, getting your existential panic inhibitor chip (or, EPIC) cost almost 2 BLM. Now? It was a Human Right and Mandate for all state employees. Horrifyingly, this badass yasss incentive didnt cause the surge of applicants expected for some bigoted reason, and many women for their own good had to be drafted into career-service by the dozens(39) of law-enforcement agencies which now existed to arrest religious idiots for spreading monogamy propaganda, and fascists for not wanting to get their booster-shots for the exciting new Covid 76 DLC which saw that hospitals were OVERRUN, at all times, with fucking nazis.
"what are you planning, zhang bang?" they asked, knowing that their cover was blown and not particularly caring because theirs EPICs did nothing for their depression.
Bang looked at the pathetic remains of his coffee cup. "Made in Taiwan". Pft. Imagine that. Corror me surprised. He stood up calmly.
"Give your handlers this message."
Bang took out a Mauser C96 which was customized for him by his samurai master's daughter, who was the legendary gunsmith Yumi Nikkikata. She'd always loved Bang, and she always wood. lmao i mispelle Yume had used all of her skill to turn the Mauser into a needle-gun. Not like fat syringes to get dangerous experimental vaccines for mostly-peaceful viruses with 99.9% survival rates, but THIN, RAZOR-THIN accupuncture needles. the perfect tool for a Samurai Doctor, which is what Bang trained in. Sure, he was the most successful businessman since Benjamin Gruber the former planetary ruler whose business exploits can be read about in the popular bestselling book "Rodrigo Gets Some"-- but Bang was a medic at heart, and his healing hands were always itching to help those in need.
And so, Bang shot them both in the head. But with such precision that his needlebullets ONLY destroyed their EPICs. They were free!
"Wait, what's the message?" they asked, pulling the needles from their noggins.
Ner-- i wonder if i should start a sub-plot where they think he's saying "Nero-China" instead, and it's used as a propaganda tool by the m --no, just forget it...
"NEO-CHINA official controls Neo-America, starting TODAY." And with that, Bang struck a pose and flexed his biceps. The walls of the Cafe Sodomio crumbled. What?!
All around the country, buildings began crumbling. Every American construction worker for the last few hundred years had been a CHINESE PLANT, and had built detonators into the walls! Which could be detonated by whomst?
"The Heir to the Shu Dynasty!" answered Zhang Bang. thank you zhang!
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Rachel Starstuff hearing the news in REAL TIME with her Spyify app in her brand new Apple iLead skinsuit. ANd she immediately signed a bill to destroy all the remaining statues of Christopher Colombus, hoping to save the country!!
Of course, said statues were no-longer in public(thank science) and now existed only on the insides a handful of churches... stupid fucking Xtards... so fucking illogical... anyway, Neo-America's Finest would have to lay siege to the churches. it could take days, even WEEKS if the equity enforcement officers couldnt round up enough ammo to bash the fash! what would we do until then?!
As the first Chinese troop carriers touched the shores of Neo-Neo York to implement Neo-China's insane laws against wasting your entire life playing video games, Rachel Starstuff shed a tear. She looked up at the sky and remembered the words of the greatest scientist who ever lived, Neil!:
"All that matters is love."
Rachel smiled and wiped her cheek. "that's right, Neil," she whispered. "We're in this together, and we wont let those filthy fucking chinks interrupt our playtime!!!" She pressed the WAR button, automatically initiating the 47th draft that year, and thawing the frozen consciousness of 50,000,000 soldiers of colour. "America... #LetsDoThis!!!"